jumping out of a moving car ain’t so bad. i didn’t even get hurt. well at least not physically.

saturday night, i guess i was feeling rather pushy so i pushed SCN and he basically told me that he couldn’t give in to my “demands” to venture to the other side with me.  my feelings were hurt. but deep down, i guess i knew that he couldn’t… or wouldn’t. but of course, the question that is in the back of my head and will be there for a while is “is it just me or is he just a good guy”

the sex… i can live with my fantasies of that. had one bad experience of thinking that someone was going to be the shyt when i finally got them and it was a bust. but i crave his touch, his essence… yeah it sounds bad but i can’t help it.

so now that i’ve jumped out, what do i do? do i head back to friendship town and pretend that nothing happened? we just go back to being neighbors? do i stick out my thumb and hitchhike to the next town with the next unsuspecting person? or do i pack up and move to the land of indifference? maybe become a shut in and not venture outside anymore? a part of me really wants to do that. just cut off that part of me that tends to react before my brain has had time to grasp the situation. but would i be lying to myself? would i be untrue to me?

<ssssiiiiiiiigh>

guess i betta start walking… just need to pick a direction.