Reflections

I had a great weekend.  A really great weekend. The young adult ministry at my church put on a retreat.  The theme was Image, Christian Perfection, and the Young Adult.  There were guest speakers  from different churches to come and speak on different topics like prayer and fasting, finanaces and forgiveness and conflict resolution.

The 1st class I went to was Forgiveness and Conflict Resolution by Rev. Joyce James.  She taught about the 4 selves that we all have (public self, hidden self, secret self and blind self).  It taught me that I need to learn how to put people in categories.  It actually worked today.  Yay!  I didn’t let the people at work get on my nerves.

The 2nd class was over the theme of the retreat.  It was taught by Pastor Olu Brown from Atlanta.  In this class, I learned about the image that I put on everyday.  We can say we are something but do our actions reflect that?  A lot of people go around spouting off that they are this or that but their actions reflect something totally different.  Most people look at you instead of what is coming out of your mouth.  You know that line “don’t talk about it, be about it”?  That should apply to your faith.  If you are living your life that way that you are supposed to, you shouldn’t have to tell someone what you are.  Besides, who needs the convincing: the person that you are talking to or you?  Think about it.

After a break for lunch, my next class was about prayer and fasting taught by Dr. Cedric Bridgeforth.  I learned that by fasting, I’m clearing my mind of the unnecessary stuff so that I can make room for the necessary.  I raise my bottom line so that I don’t keep settling for same old stuff.  It’s like spring cleaning yourself.

The last class was Money Tithes Decisions and Finances taught by Rev. Jacqui King.  In here, I learned how I should manage my money.  Before you say anything, no she wasn’t trying to get paid.  She taught us how we can be debt free by simply managing our money and trusting in God.

All in all, I was blessed by some wonderful teaching.  I’m inspired to stop sitting around waiting for stuff to happen.  I need to get off my duff and make it happen.  I’m ready for the challenge.

i like to dance.  sometimes i love it.  i love to let the music wash over me like a psychotic drug and do with me what it will.  whether it’s some raunchy rap music about bending over and letting some random dude “see it” or some sensual jazzy saxophone or a for real r&b crooner being addicted to my good loving.  it feels good and i don’t have a care in the world. and if i’ve had a couple of drinks in my system, it’s on!

in these recent months, i’ve been partying like it’s 1999 and i’m a youngster.  never mind that the next day, my knees are aching like i am 1999. i was going to get my party on! i wasn’t going to any spots that the young people frequented because i didn’t feel like babysitting. i was the sky bar and grooves. nice lil spots with great music.  but i held back my dancing sometimes.  seems like black folks… well black women… were disrespectfully critical of me shaking what my mama gave me because i’m a big girl. never mind the fact that they were holding up the wall with too tight shoes and 4 inches of ashy heel hanging out the back and visible weave tracks. they just assumed it was their right to snicker behind their refill overdue hands as i danced on the floor with my girls or my husband.  yeah i know i shouldn’t let them get to me but we all have those moments of self doubt. ya know those moments that we have to stop whatever it is that we are doing and do a self inventory to make that everything is where it’s supposed to be.  and i let them do something that is mostly unheard of in the sagittarius realm… i let them dictate my actions.  sad, i know.

now on the flip side to that, i tend to let it all out when i’m with “the others”.  every year in houston, we have a BBQ cookoff to kickoff the rodeo.  my husband’s job sponsors one of the tents and we get wristbands to go and party for free.  well this year, we got wristbands for all 3 nights.  now i know what you’re thinking.  rodeo? country music, cowboy boots and tight jeans.  well yeah, that’s there. but i’m also talking free drinks the whole time, bbq and a mixture of music.  yeah i said free drinks. and not watered down drinks either. it seems this year i was the chick dujour as i was being hit on every night by cowboys, police officers and cowgirls. i even caught the DJ’s eye. so as the vodka and cranberries are flowing and the tequila shots are being downed, my inner dancing machine was like “aww sookie sookie! let’s boogie!” baby, i was dancing my ass off and the person’s next to me!  the white girls tried to act a fool at first. they thought that becus they had on the dukes and cowboy boots that they were sexy.  ok i’ll let ya make it on that. do you, ma! but i guaren-damn-tee ya that as soon as the dj finishes playing this country joint and flips to some rap music, i’mma show ya betta than i can tell ya. and thanks be to jam master jay, he flipped it to some uncle luke!  what! i must’ve dropped it and ticked it and percalated with the best of the video dancers. white boys were like daaaayuuuum! white girls had to give me my props after that. they were trying to get me on the stage but it was one too many drunks ones up there flaying their arms and need to be dyed roots for me. i didn’t want to have to get my scrap on in my drunken state.

it seemed to me that i was more comfortable with the others than i was with my own people. maybe a little bit of it was that i was dancing goddess to the rodeo crowd. or it could’ve been the liquor.  yeah blame in in the goose! at any rate, the next time i go out dancing, i’m gonna dance like no one is looking! and if they are, i hope they join me!

i don’t expect much from my friends. i don’t make you fill out an application and have a 2 week waiting period. but the one thing that i do ask is that you know how to shut your damn mouth!

now this may seem minor to most people but to me it’s a big issue. i was out from work last week. i told sexy enigma, big bossman and my “girl” youngin the reason why i was going to be out. my sister had surgery and she just needed some help around the house. everybody else that asked, i told them i was out. that’s all they need to know. now… youngin is my girl… or at least i thought. she’s dating my brother in law, i let her spend the night at my house so that they could ya know.. get them a lil bit… i treat her to starbucks and that shit ain’t cheap.  now i also have to say that this chick ain’t too bright. i mean simple shit eludes her but she’s a sweetheart.  i get back to work today… minding my own business. i’m not even on the freaking clock yet when the one eye wonder pops her ass in my face. calm down… breathe in… breathe out! this mofo goes on and on about how she missed me last week and all that.  then she goes “well how was your vacation? well not that you could have fun.” i raise the eyebrow and respond, “how do you know if i had fun or not?” she says, “well didn’t your sister have surgery and you had to watch her 3 kids cause she’s not married?” yeah my head snapped back and forth like whoa what the… i’ve never shared that shit with her. i don’t even like her! i let her know that i sat with my sister and her kids didn’t need to be “watched” as they are intelligent and my sister is divorced. by my tone, she  knew she has crossed into unfriendly territory. i was ready for youngin to bop her ass through the door. when she did show up, i was on the phone with my sister, checking on her.  so when i get off, she wants to be all friendly. i was like “good morning” and it was dry as croutons. i told her that she needs to learn to keep her mouth shut! she was like “why what happened?” i relayed the conversation that i had with one-eyed susan and she was like “oh my bad”.  your bad? your bad?! so i normally text b-i-l in the morning to say hey how ya doing. i told him that his girl talks too much and give him the story. he says that she “apologized” and then asked if i told her not to tell anyone. another head shake as i slammed my phone shut on that bullshit.  now if you are my ace… my girl… certain things are just common sense and should not have to be explained. things like don’t tell shit to someone that NEITHER one of us like!!! her excuse was that she kept asking her where i was. i looked at her with as much disdain that i have for one eyes susan and said “well you should have told her to call me and ask me where i was and if i wanted her to know then i would have told her mydamnself!”

so now she’s on my list. she’s not an enemy but she’s not my girl anymore. she’s an at work friend. my brother in law is trying like hell to make it like it was.  sorry sweetie.  it’s gonna take some time.  she has to earn her VIP rights back.  hubby told me that i should let it go. i have let it go. i’m not mad.  i’m even going on a triple date with them this weekend.  but i be damn if she comes back to my house so that they can get their weekly nut.

cross me once, shame on you. cross me twice… well that ain’t gonna happen so don’t even think about it.

i want to say “shove it!” so bad it hurts. but with the job market being what it is, it’s hard to chunk up the deuce and say “peace ninjas!” to the job.

here’s the thing. i work at a collections agency (yeah i know. but it’s a job.) when i moved to the administrative department, there were 6 other girls here. we all had different tasks to work as well as some group stuff.  ok, 1 quit. 1 was mutually let go (thank goodness!) 1 was about to be fired but got a heads up and quit. ok… then that left 4 of us. 1 was the owner’s wife.  she was here because she was bored. then her kid started getting into trouble at school and he blamed her for not being at home. whatever ninja! so she’s gone.

theeeeen the old owner sold the company.  get a new owner. yay! hold on there… it ain’t all gravy. so now we are at 3 girls.  one is about to bounce because he husband got a job in another city. but she’s tryna drop a bomb on them so don’t tell. ok… then the other girl goes part time cause her kid can’t read and she refuses to believe that something could be wrong with him and it’s all the teacher’s fault that her kid is a phuckup. anyway. so then the same bug-a-boo drops the bomb that she is leaving. HUH! yeah do the math. that leaves 1 person left in a department.  ONE! ME! the long fucking ranger! ok. ok… don’t panic. so instead of them trying to get someone in here to be trained before these 2 bounce, they want to lolly gag. the fuck??? so the last girl’s final day is in may. we don’t get a new person until july. and she was TROUBLE! she kept getting sick… and missing days… and lying… and coming in late… and having personal issues… until they finally fired her. didn’t last an entire year. sooo its back to me and my manager. then this mofo decides to get married. yay! whatever! uh… i’m by myself for 2 weeks… at the end of the month. . having to run month end… by myself.. which i’ve never done with someone holding my hand. and he’s in the middle of the damn atlantic ocean hopefully with sunburn on his balls while i am pulling my weave tracks out! ok i survived it. we get a part time person. better than nothing. only she’s not to help me out… it’s to help out the big bossman. the fuck… again!  but check it… she was only at the job for 6 months! she was a college student working part time until her “real” job started! so we get another one.  same situation except she’s able to help me out! yay! but she left in december.

so i’ve been on my own.  then guess what?  they decide to take away my manager!  just gave him to the collection floor ebola monkeys because they can’t seem to get along with the manager that they have.  and they are sooooo sickening with it!  they act like they can’t breath unless he is right there looking at them. bunch of fucking idiots! and i don’t mean that lightly.  they are IDIOTS! they ask questions over shit that they have learned in training! and they are not new people. collections is not that damn hard. dial a number, ask to speak to a person, get that person on the phone and tell them what they owe.  so easy a caveman could do it! but these frog assed face people act like they are performing brain surgery and need help with it!

so anyway, big bossman says he knows i’m overworked. and he feels so bad that i don’t have any help.  so his solution? tickets to a basketball game here and there and he’ll convince his mother in fucking law to come and help me out. i’ve met his mother in law.  sweet as sugar…. but old as belly button lint! the hell! and then she only comes in for a few days a month for about 3 or 4 hours! pleeease tell me how in the blue moon hell is that helping me out! oh! i get to work over time!  yup! all the work i can do from home… oh please feel free to work like a dog from the comfort of your own home! well fuck you massa! thanks but i have a life outside of the damn job!

siiiigh! yes i should be glad that i’m still getting a paycheck. and i am. and yeah i should be glad that i can work overtime. and i am. but this crap here is for the birds!

you can’t forget me. not completely anyway.  i’m an unforgettable person.  i  might not be likable… but definitely unforgettable.

why am i saying all of this? glad you asked! i do LOVE to tell stories! i’m a writer, ain’t i?

well in my other blog life, i had an ongoing “dilemma” if you will with this dude.  (for me to be happily married, i tend to have issues with a lot of men that are not my husband. wonder what iyanla would say about that??) anyway, he was… hell i don’t know… tempting. not like SCN becus we both knew nothing was going to happen.  he like to talk to shit but not do shit. but with B.T., if i would have given him the nod, i’m sure my panties would’ve been on the merry go round of his ceiling fan many a day.  so anyway, we would go back and forth with this whole thing of him trying to break me down. nice attempts i will admit. but ya know i couldn’t go out like that.  it was fun though.  kept me on my toes.  so one day, we were having a nice lil chat thru email .  i don’t even remember how we even got on the subject of sex and us.  not really relevant. but we did. we went back and forth for a minute. noting hurtful.  so i just said to him “deep down, you know that i am not going to sleep with you.  i think you just like the challenge”.  i don’t know if that set off an alarm. but whatever it did, i was not expecting the email that i got in return. he basically told me that if i wasn’t come off the ass, then i was useless to him. huh. ok, fine. he was honest, gotta respect that, right? so he was deleted from email box and IM.  no big deal.  a month by.  i get a text message… it’s a forward but it’s from B.T. i ignore it. it wasn’t funny anyway.  fast forward a week. i get another text. it was really beautiful. so i send him a reply saying that i liked the text but i thought that we were no longer on speaking terms.  no response.  thought i’d squashed it.  wrong! babyboy sends me an IM saying that it was MY fault that we weren’t speaking. excuse me???? you told me ass or pass. i said no and you said pass. he told he i took it the wrong way and and that he was giving me time to cool off. jigga what? so i had to tell him that there was no way for me to take what he said in any way other than how he meant it. so he brushes it off and still tells me that it’s my fault. whatever ninja! so he’s been IM’ing me everyday. he asked me why i don’t send him one. i told him that i don’t have him added to my list and that he would have to send me an invitation to be added. he hasn’t done it and i haven’t asked again.  i’m not going to be cyber stalking him.  if he wants me on his list or to be able to contact hi whenever, then he will have to make that move. if not, it’s on him.

but i know that he missed me. that last month that we talked, we were becoming friends. he wanted my advice on his relationship with his ex girlfriend.  he won’t admit it though. don’t have to. i know it. i i’m like a non-violent ike turner. i’m in your head, anna mae! ok… ahem… had a moment. but ya get my drift!

deuces

i have no hair in the middle of my head.  it started small and got bigger.  so like any woman, i wondered if i would still be beautiful. so i went the route of weaves and such. temporary fix but it still damaged my hair. sooo, i’ve decided to just go natural.  i just thought about it in the shower when the quick weave that i had on started lifting and i snatched it off and threw it over the shower curtain onto the bathroom floor. so no more perms or weaves. just me and my trusty wigs. i can snatch those off every night and still let my scalp breathe. hopefully, my hair will start growing back soon. with all of the itching and dandruff i got going, something should crop up. i’ll post pics of what my head look like now. then i can track my progress. wish me luck!

dueces!

i like sex. not just the act of doing but everything about it. i love to talk about it, read about it write about it and watch it. i have no problems with masturbation… i quite enjoy it.  i love my toys, wish i could buy more. also wish i had a room dedicated to just sex. books, art, furniture… ok, yeah it may sound perverted or even obsessive but it’s not. i mean i won’t go as far as watching people through windows or doing the very very weird stuff or anything illegal… well define illegal before i say that.

people might say it’s unbecoming of a lady to read porn or to watch it. i say what the hell ever! i have a site bookmarked for my literary needs and i just discovered a site that has free porn. it’s kinda slow but it’s free. can’t complain.

i masturbate whenever the mood strikes. sometimes even at work. handicap stalls are my friend! love em! i keep a pocket rocket in my purse and whenever i am feeling a bit um… randy… i go on break and let my fingers do the walking. great stress reliever.

i started writing erotica when i was in the 10th grade, i think. hormones were raging and i had a friend (hey fuller!) that helped me to discover my sexual side. who knew! pretty soon, the things that i wanted to do were being displayed on paper. now i’ve evolved into the writer you see today. folks say it’s nasty but i say it’s in the eye of the beholder. whatever ninjas! people have sex everyday. why can’t i write about it? and it doesn’t mean i’m lacking!

anyway… this was just a rant. sex is on the brain… actually just the dick is on the brain… but i just thought i’d be general. or it could be cause today is hump day. who knows… at any rate, there it is and here i go to read some porn!

i’m feeling… trapped in between time and space. i’m i a place that has no name… no destination… i’m not sad, i’m not happy.  not sure if i’m feeling reflective… i’m just feeling. maybe out of sorts. maybe confusion. i feel like i want to cry but can’t explain why i’m crying if asked so i can’t.  i feel like i want to scream but don’t have the energy to summon it from my soul. i feel… too much and not enough. i want what i can’t have and don’t want what i do have. i want more but not too much.  i want something different, but i want things to stay the same.  i want to be held but not be touched. i want to talk but have the wrong ears. i want to… do… i don’t know.  i think i’m stuck in a rut. i think that there is more out there that i should be doing. i think that… thinking has gotten me into this situation i’m in now. maybe i shouldn’t think anymore. maybe i should purge myself of all thoughts. maybe i should just let whatever happen do what it’s gone do. maybe it is what it is and if it ain’t, phuck it. maybe… it’s just… hell… maybe it just is and i’m just too damn stupid to realize it.

jumping out of a moving car ain’t so bad. i didn’t even get hurt. well at least not physically.

saturday night, i guess i was feeling rather pushy so i pushed SCN and he basically told me that he couldn’t give in to my “demands” to venture to the other side with me.  my feelings were hurt. but deep down, i guess i knew that he couldn’t… or wouldn’t. but of course, the question that is in the back of my head and will be there for a while is “is it just me or is he just a good guy”

the sex… i can live with my fantasies of that. had one bad experience of thinking that someone was going to be the shyt when i finally got them and it was a bust. but i crave his touch, his essence… yeah it sounds bad but i can’t help it.

so now that i’ve jumped out, what do i do? do i head back to friendship town and pretend that nothing happened? we just go back to being neighbors? do i stick out my thumb and hitchhike to the next town with the next unsuspecting person? or do i pack up and move to the land of indifference? maybe become a shut in and not venture outside anymore? a part of me really wants to do that. just cut off that part of me that tends to react before my brain has had time to grasp the situation. but would i be lying to myself? would i be untrue to me?

<ssssiiiiiiiigh>

guess i betta start walking… just need to pick a direction.

i am going to throw myself out of a moving car.

not literally cause that would hurt. figuratively. it’s not speeding but moving just the same. tired of being a passenger in the vehicle. i’m not sure who’s driving it but they seem unsure of the destination. we keep passing by the same mile markers… keep stopping to look at the same landmarks… it’s getting old; been old.

yeah i know that all sounds kind of cryptic. in a nutshell, i have a love-lust relationship with someone. call him SCN. cool as hell, sexy than a muthaphucka but confuses the hell me. sexy enigma that he is, i can’t seem to stay away from his ass.  he’s like that comfortable shirt that you’ve had for years. you know you should throw it away but the comfort and familiarity of it won’t allow you to. that’s him. every month we go on this same trip. we visit the same places.  it used to be enduring. now it’s annoying. we’re on that trip now. he says he likes my company. guess that’s a given being that we travel often. he’s good people as i said.   i can always use  good people. now… he knows me… knows my nature.  i’m crass and explicit and make no apologies about it. if i want to say something that is sexual in nature, it’s coming out. he enjoys it, might even get off on it. he has a dark side too but he’s more reserved with his; as if they don’t want to be seen together. me? me and darkeisha are the best of buds.

it takes a minute to leave our home base of friend town. it’s plenty big and we get stopped often by the wondrous sites. even though it’s home, there’s always something new to discover around every corner.

we venture to “what if” land.  that place has no government so basically anything goes.  i could be a resident, but he only likes to visit when he needs some excitement. i love to bask in its glory. i get my rocks off… literally… in this place. i can let my hair down and throw caution to the wind. it’s kinda like vegas only less expensive and without all of the lights and gambling; at least  not with the one arm devil type gambling. here, everyone’s beautiful and sexy. no hair is out of place and no funky breath. mmm… decadence at its finest. but before i can get comfortable and seek out a real estate agent about a condo or something, i’m ushered back into the waiting car. he always has us on a time clock when we get here.

after that, we move to “semi-guilt” ville. well, he does.  as he’s contemplating leasing a house there, i sit in the car with my ipod listening to my tunes.  something jazzy; it makes me think of sex. but that’s another story for another day. he feels a connection to this place. i don’t. nothing here but gray. the people, the sky… no one will look you in the face. gives me the creeps. gives him… i’m not sure since i never ask.

once we say good riddance to that locale, we end up back to friend town. nice place to call home. but we never really stay here for long. it’s as if we can’t sit in that place for too long. we can have roots there but what if land is a dominating bitch and we have to heed her call.

but i’m getting sea sick, car sick, have jet lag and whatever other traveling sickness you can get. i like to travel but i want to go somewhere else. i want to see other things. i want to pose by statues that i’ve never seen before and marvel at its beauty. but SCN… my sexy travel companion is a creature of habit. this route is set in the GPS of the car that we’re in.

i want out! my seat belt is unbuckled. my hand is on the handle. no guardrails. no telling where i may land… how i may land… but i can’t take this trip again. i can’t… i won’t…

i push open the door… close my eyes… and…

deuces